Ok i guess i should update huh? does anyone read this anymore? My brother Josh moved. the one with the long hair. Joey resurfaced. I am single again. Seems all the guys prefer my young daughter instead. She i feel is a sexual predator. Screw me hate my mom. She makes me feel uncomfortable in my own house. I went to get her on PINS so they might help her. no such luck,.. I have a friend Jayson staying here. But I am getting this gut feeling it is a bad idea. I do not trust her. I know how frail men can be... she told my best friend David horrible things about me.. that I talk behind his back and such. it fricken hurts alot..That is really it. I am a battered mother by her kid. and my son is being truamitized....

Well it happened. I finally lost control with my daughter 15 and said something I can not take back. I have hurt her very deeply. She started lieing on my son. Something really hurtful. Just to destory him because he pissed her off. Mind you what he said about her was bad. He was going to get into trouble for it. Just not as quick as she thinks he should. She has said things like this about others. Keith full fledged raped her. He kissed her and was arrested for it. She said this kid Joe touched her. The police found it unfounded. In the mean time Joe was taken in for questioning. His life was ruined over it. She called my brother on the phone and left a message that he knocked her up. My brother is autistic so that half killed him. He did not handle it right. Now she is saying My son 14 keeps telling her how much he wants to fuck her.She is living  with and screwing a 31 year old man. I thought was a friend of mine. Her foster father at one point. If I turn him in. She will hate me worst then she does. She has me cornered to the point i need to fight back to save my own sanity. She emotionally abuses me to the point I want to suck on the barrel of a gun and pull the trigger making art with the back of my head and a white wall. If I was with my spouse I could escape to a battered women's shelter she is that bad. Since she is my daughter there is no escape. nor the money to escape. I just have to listen to it. Take it swallow it down let it kill me. I used to hide here online. i can not even find the energy to do that any more. i need to escape.I have no where to go. I can not live like this. She says such awful hurtful things all the time.. I am not innocent I sometimes say things back. But She hurt my son so deeply that he wants to die. He has never done anything but looked up to her. Her grandma caught her molesting him when she was little. we are talking 2 and 3 years of age. well I told her I would sign the marriage papers as long as she did not ever come back and stop ripping this family apart... I should not have said it. But she been telling me horrible and ugly and fat and stupid I am for the past 3 hours. How I never do anything right. why I am all alone now. I lost it.. I hurt her beyond repair. As a parent we are supposed to make things right for our kids. I have never done nothing right just wrong. There is no manual for this. Everything I do is wrong. I am not perfect I make mistakes. I have tried to get outer agencies involved. Nothing I do not know what to do anymore.. How do I escape.... I can not sleep. I keep eating and getting fatter.I have no energy any more. why can I not be saved???I have even tried prayer. There is no salvation anywhere...

<edit> Ok I was hashing this all out with a close and dear friend of mine.. Kara came in to tell me how much she loved me.. well saw the IM and had to read it.. then let him read it... Now they are both pissed at me for venting how I feel... He was all like.. well it is good to know how you really feel about me... I feel betrayed... Hurt ok IM is now inserted I understand how it might hurt them. But I have no one to talk to at all except a few online here that is safe...

Begin IM - 7/11/2006 03:55 AM
Ryan [3:55 A.M.]:  A mother's duty is to protect, even if Kara doesn't want it.
Ryan [3:55 A.M.]:  So someone needs to be told about what her foster father is doing, it's sick.
Me [3:59 A.M.]:  It is sick.. she thinks she is madly in love with him. and I am jealious of her relationship with him.
Ryan [4:00 A.M.]:  Don't be, she's 15!
Ryan [4:00 A.M.]:  And he's supposed to be her foster FATHER.
Ryan [4:00 A.M.]:  It's sick of the both of them.
Me [4:00 A.M.]:  He was my friend before all that
Ryan [4:00 A.M.]:  If he wants to screw around with her, he should un-adopt her and wait until she's 18.
Ryan [4:00 A.M.]:  How did you find out they were messing around?
Me [4:01 A.M.]:  No he was Dss approved as her foster father... he was uncle Kenny when she was like 10
Ryan [4:01 A.M.]:  So by blood he's her uncle?
Me [4:01 A.M.]:  now she is accusing Aaron of saying things about wanting to screw her
Me [4:02 A.M.]:  No just was my friend... and threw all this. all he can say is I am sorry for causing issues
Ryan [4:02 A.M.]:  Gods..
Me [4:02 A.M.]:  though he believes anything of what she says
Ryan [4:02 A.M.]:  I hate to say this... but it sounds like what you need to do is take her to a hospital.
Ryan [4:03 A.M.]:  She needs help..
Me [4:03 A.M.]:  they do not want her
Ryan [4:03 A.M.]:  Why not?
Me [4:03 A.M.]:  I ahve tried
Me [4:03 A.M.]:  I am starting to think maybe she is right and I am worng
Ryan [4:03 A.M.]:  I believe you're right.
Ryan [4:04 A.M.]:  And Aaron knows you're right.
Ryan [4:04 A.M.]:  And he's depending on you.
Me [4:04 A.M.]:  if I had just been better . stronger different..
Ryan [4:04 A.M.]:  You're one of the strongest people I've ever known, hun.
Me [4:04 A.M.]:  I want my parenting handbook...
Ryan [4:05 A.M.]:  Real parenting comes from the heart.
Me [4:05 A.M.]:  I do not know how to handle it..
Me [4:05 A.M.]:  no matter what choice I make it is the wrong one.
Ryan [4:05 A.M.]:  That's not true.
Me [4:06 A.M.]:  If I turn him she will run.
Me [4:06 A.M.]:  I hate to say this she is safer with him then on the streets.
Ryan [4:06 A.M.]:  You should go to someone professional about this.
Ryan [4:06 A.M.]:  Yes, but at the expense of stagatory rape??
Me [4:06 A.M.]:  If i do not turn him. She is making a huge mistake.
Me [4:07 A.M.]:  Honestly she knows what she is saying when it comes to sex..
Ryan [4:16 A.M.]:  I know if it was my mom and me, first thing she'd do is tell me to come home or she'll send the police after me. Then confine me to the house and have us both start going to a psychologist.
Ryan [4:17 A.M.]:  Like family therapy.
Ryan [4:17 A.M.]:  My mom has a commanding voice, that says "YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY." *wilts*
Me [4:17 A.M.]:  My therpist should be here in the morning. I am coming clean with him... She just came in and read this whole iM after telling me how much she loves me... She says i am making her out to be this horrible person and she is blaming you. I am so sorry for that...
Ryan [4:17 A.M.]:  Whenever I got smart with her, she'd turn around in the passenger seat and start flailing at me.
Ryan [4:17 A.M.]:  Who's blaming me for what?
Ryan [4:18 A.M.]:  Oh, Kara's back home? I got confused.
Me [4:18 A.M.]:  Last time i hit her.. I ended up with a broken thumb. and brusies all over my chest and she got scraped
Ryan [4:18 A.M.]:  I don't advise the hitting thing, I didn't like when my mom did that.
Ryan [4:18 A.M.]:  Was scary as hell.
Me [4:18 A.M.]:  Yea I am making her out to be this horrible person to you... when all I am doing is venting frustration.
Ryan [4:19 A.M.]:  And she blames me for it? o_O;
Me [4:19 A.M.]:  I am sorry about that
Ryan [4:19 A.M.]:  Don't be, I'm just confused.
Ryan [4:19 A.M.]:  Teens will be teens, hating everything.
Ryan [4:20 A.M.]:  Even their own parents.
Ryan [4:20 A.M.]:  And anyone else who wants to help them when they feel they don't need any.
Me [4:26 A.M.]:  I just don't know if how much I can handle at times... Seems like.. How do I say this.... Ok can't vent any more. cause it must be read. cause I am not allowed to blow steam it has to be either black or white. Yes or no. no shades of grey are allowed. I am just this huge horrible person that can do nothing right... Cause I must be watched every minute of every day. Cause I might say something on how I feel even if it is stress related. That makes some one else look in a bad light... That can not be done...
Ryan [4:26 A.M.]:  I don't understand.
Me [4:31 A.M.]:  I am a prisoner or at least that is how it feels..to me at this point in time...  Thank you for letting me just spout lots of frustration and a need for release. So my parting words are words of nonsense ilm pdylfb dihi qziubi lep uzeli
Ryan [4:31 A.M.]:  Take care, hun. You know you can vent anytime. Hell, you let me do it.
Me [4:32 A.M.]:  i know just words mean and hateful. But they make things better when you can do that... gets out negativity and all..
Ryan [4:33 A.M.]:  You don't say anything mean and hateful.
      From this point on they have not seen nor read the IM

Me [5:27 A.M.]:  Please still be on
Ryan [5:27 A.M.]:  I am
Ryan [5:27 A.M.]:  What's up?
Me [5:27 A.M.]:  They both pissed at me for making them look bad
Ryan [5:27 A.M.]:  The uncle and Kara?
Me [5:28 A.M.]:  Yea he was my friend... and Dss put Kara in his home when she was like 11 or 12 or so
Ryan [5:28 A.M.]:  If they're screwing around sexually, they've only made themselves look bad. How long was this going on between them?
Me [5:29 A.M.]:  supposedly just this summer.
Ryan [5:29 A.M.]:  Still, she's much too young and he betrayed your trust.
Me [5:30 A.M.]:  That is how I feel but I am wrong for it... Kenny is a great guy or I thought he was.  Good looking. Motivated, a good personality
Me [5:30 A.M.]:  smart..
Ryan [5:30 A.M.]:  You aren't wrong, hun. He should have told you as soon as he knew that he had feelings for her, and that he couldn't have her living there anymore.
Ryan [5:30 A.M.]:  He didn't do the right thing.
Me [5:30 A.M.]:  all and all I would say a really good catch for any woman.
Ryan [5:31 A.M.]:  For any woman, not any girl.
Me [5:31 A.M.]:  they are seem to want me to feel bad for venting in a negative way
Ryan [5:32 A.M.]:  You were truthful in your venting, right? Then it wasn't negative. And that's a LOT for a mother to take in, and even harder to keep to oneself.
Ryan [5:32 A.M.]:  Someitmes when we have this overbearing burden we tell someone close to lighten the load, and get advise.
Ryan [5:32 A.M.]:  What happened to Kara and Brenton?
Me [5:35 A.M.]:  Honestly no clue she says he broke up with her.. He told me she broke up with him and sent me a letter
Me [5:35 A.M.]:  I wasn't lieing. But I was truthful in my version of it make sense
Ryan [5:36 A.M.]:  I'm still stunned he was messing with a 15-yr-old girl.
Ryan [5:36 A.M.]:  Since he's a good friend, rather than report him, it'd probably be best to just tell him to stay away.
Ryan [5:37 A.M.]:  Gods, I'm sorry, but that's so sick.
Me [5:39 A.M.]:  i still like him. I feel all messed up in side. I need to talk to my therpist about this... But if I do he will have him arrested
Ryan [5:40 A.M.]:  Just don't disclose any names.
Me [5:41 A.M.]:  they are ready to run off and be married now
Ryan [5:41 A.M.]:  They can't without your consent.
Ryan [5:41 A.M.]:  Have to have parental consent if she's under 18.
Me [5:41 A.M.]:  after all this.. and they will sleep the day away while I get to stay up... she only mentally abused me from 130 till about 5 minutes ago
Me [5:42 A.M.]:  South Carolina: If you are under 18, you will need a certified copy of your birth certificate and a notarized statement of parental consent. The minimum age for a female is 14 and it is 16 for a male.
Ryan [5:42 A.M.]:  But have to have parental consent.
Ryan [5:43 A.M.]:  If he's acting as a foster father, he can't marry her.
Me [5:43 A.M.]:  I can not do another night like tonight
Me [5:43 A.M.]:  he isn't any more..
Me [5:43 A.M.]:  that ended when she was 11 or 12
Ryan [5:43 A.M.]:  They can't get married unless you give them consent.
Me [5:43 A.M.]:  contemplating it just to get rid of her
Ryan [5:46 A.M.]:  If it were me, I'd put her in a hospital and wouldn't take no for an answer, just to find out why she's always lying. Him I'd get a restraining order on because he betrayed the trust by messing around with the daughter.
Ryan [5:46 A.M.]:  I don't even know him and I'm pissed off. Great friend or not, he messed around with your child.
Ryan [5:46 A.M.]:  Even if she's a young adult, she's your daughter.
Me [5:47 A.M.]:  my Daughter and I Have HUGE issues
Ryan [5:47 A.M.]:  This wasn't just a friend of yours he messed with, or a girl you went to HS with, this is your 15-yr-old daughter.
Ryan [5:47 A.M.]:  I noticed. I think you two should try family therapy.
Me [5:47 A.M.]:  I can not stand it with her. she is too mean and aggressive
Ryan [5:48 A.M.]:  You really both need to try getting therapy together. It helped my mom and I, rather than going to therapy separately.
Me [5:48 A.M.]:  she really just wants out and away
Me [5:49 A.M.]:  She is mad that I am talking this over with you.. she is liek Ryan is my friend too. not just yours
Me [5:50 A.M.]:  and when she does that my first reaction is too get all catty. How do you respond to that?
Ryan [5:50 A.M.]:  Tell her I'm currently disappointed with her, and if she'd like to speak, she can write something too.
Me [5:50 A.M.]:  she pulled the take everyone you know off my bl
Ryan [5:51 A.M.]:  Everyone you know off her bl?
Ryan [5:51 A.M.]:  Won't that be.. everyone?
Me [5:51 A.M.]:  pretty much
Ryan [5:51 A.M.]:  She'll have a BL of like 2 people.
Me [5:51 A.M.]:  I am going to do that too
Me [5:51 A.M.]:  now mind you.  your hearing my side of it
Me [5:52 A.M.]:  not hers
Ryan [5:52 A.M.]:  I know. If she wants to tell me her side, I'll listen. If she's not comfortable with that, I understand.
Me [5:52 A.M.]:  I can and do get mean with her right back...
Ryan [5:53 A.M.]:  I would be surprised if you didn't. If I were a mother of a 15-yr-old who did all that, I'd be ripping my hair out screaming.
Ryan [5:53 A.M.]:  I'd confine her at home for at least a week and everyday or once a week go to family therapy with everyone in the family.
Ryan [5:54 A.M.]:  So that everyone can vent to each other.
Me [5:54 A.M.]:  ok this is going to sound bad from my side of things...She says I love my son more then her. In away she is right. He does not give me the grief she does.. I do not know how to handle how I feel about things...
Me [5:54 A.M.]:  She loves to tell me my mental illness are things I fake so I can be lazy
Ryan [5:54 A.M.]:  Tell her that, that she doesn't mentally abuse you like she does, and call you things.
Ryan [5:55 A.M.]:  That *he doesn't
Ryan [5:55 A.M.]:  Sorry, Aaron became a girl for a sec there, lol
Me [5:56 A.M.]:  I try so hard not to respond to her verbal abuse.. I am tired having hiding in my own head... I am tired of losing it and lashing out. I ahve called her a whore too
Ryan [5:56 A.M.]:  Tell her she's lucky. If I'd called my mom any type of name she would have slapped my silly.
MarMe [5:57 A.M.]:  After tonight Aaron hates her
Ryan [5:58 A.M.]:  I mean it with all my being when I say you should drag her (and Aaron too) to a therapy session.
Ryan [5:58 A.M.]:  It may sound pointless, but it does help.
Me[5:58 A.M.]:  all they turn into are attacks on me..
Ryan [5:58 A.M.]:  Yes, but the profesional therapist will hear it and make them explain themselves.
Ryan [5:59 A.M.]:  Don't crack it 'til you try it.
Me [6:05 A.M.]:  then Kenny says to me.. well now i see how you really feel about me.
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  Did he sleep with Kara?
Me [6:06 A.M.]:  they up in her room naked right now
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  OMGWTF
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  KICK HIM OUT RIGHT NOW
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me [6:06 A.M.]:  She has had hickies on her neck
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  NO NO NO
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  police!!!
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  He's staying with you right now?
Me [6:06 A.M.]:  yea
Ryan [6:06 A.M.]:  POLICE
Me [6:07 A.M.]:  Ryan I can not do that.
Ryan [6:07 A.M.]:  omg, call me, or I can call you
Ryan [6:07 A.M.]:  Hun, your daughter, him, naked, NO!
Me [6:07 A.M.]:  I will lose her forever
Ryan [6:07 A.M.]:  Is anyone looking at the computer right now?
Ryan [6:07 A.M.]:  Besides you?
Me [6:07 A.M.]:  no we are alone at the moment
Ryan [6:08 A.M.]:  Call the police and ask them what you should do. They'll put Ken in an overnight cell, and you can have Kara spend a night in another cell, or keep her at home under house arrest.
Ryan [6:08 A.M.]:  You have GOT to put your foot down.
Ryan [6:08 A.M.]:  The police are there to help.
Me [6:08 A.M.]:  I know what I am going to do.
Ryan [6:08 A.M.]:  What?
Me [6:08 A.M.]:  ryan the police do not help at all
Ryan [6:08 A.M.]:  I forgot. Your police suck.
Ryan [6:08 A.M.]:  All police suck.
Me [6:08 A.M.]:  Your going to hate this.. But my sanity is important
Me [6:10 A.M.]:  I am gonna sign the papers... I have to protect my son too. and she is out to destroy him for life.. if she has not all ready done that.
Ryan [6:10 A.M.]:  All right then.
Me [6:10 A.M.]:  wash my hands and let her go. It is really the only path I have that will keep my sanity intacted and my son safe
Ryan [6:11 A.M.]:  I guess you're right.
Ryan [6:11 A.M.]:  It's just spiraled too far out of control at this point.
Me [6:11 A.M.]:  I maybe 100% wrong
Me [6:12 A.M.]:  Yea there is no stopping her.. She will do what she wants or badger me until I break into a thousand pieces.
Me [6:12 A.M.]:  She slapped my 55 year old Mother acrossed the face...
Ryan [6:12 A.M.]:  WHAT!?
Ryan [6:12 A.M.]:  omg
Me [6:13 A.M.]:  Over tuna fish with lettuce and apples in it
Ryan [6:13 A.M.]:  .....
Ryan [6:13 A.M.]:  A real wild child.
Me [6:13 A.M.]:  She thinks I should buy her all special food to eat cause she doesn't liek nothing
Ryan [6:13 A.M.]:  Let her know this:
Ryan [6:14 A.M.]:  When I was in HS I didn't eat anything my family had out because it was meat and I was a converted vegeterian.
Ryan [6:14 A.M.]:  My mom had me buy what I wanted.
Ryan [6:14 A.M.]:  I had to get a job.
Ryan [6:14 A.M.]:  I had 2 dif jobs during HS.
Me [6:14 A.M.]:  my fault i had lost her working papers
Ryan [6:15 A.M.]:  I had my first job when I was 15.
Me [6:15 A.M.]:  I did too. I had no intention oif filling them out.. she would not go to school
Ryan [6:15 A.M.]:  I have an idea.
Ryan [6:15 A.M.]:  It involves sending her to military school.
Ryan [6:15 A.M.]:  lol *serious*
Ryan [6:16 A.M.]:  They would so whip her into shape.
Me [6:16 A.M.]:  wait just promise me not to blow a gasket... Nope they won't take her she has mental illnesses
Me [6:16 A.M.]:  She has axis'
Ryan [6:16 A.M.]:  Uh oh, why... shouldn't I... I'll behave.
Me [6:16 A.M.]:  Kenny has a son. Little kenny who is 6
Ryan [6:17 A.M.]:  *nod*
Ryan [6:17 A.M.]:  That it?
Me [6:17 A.M.]:  this maybe bitter and spiteful. but when they get married and settled. I am blowing them in to Dss
Ryan [6:17 A.M.]:  What'll that do?
Me [6:18 A.M.]:  If we are lucky get the child out of there
Ryan [6:18 A.M.]:  Ahh. You think Little K won't do well with them?
Me [6:18 A.M.]:  No Kara is verbally abusive
Ryan [6:18 A.M.]:  To little K??
Me [6:19 A.M.]:  oh yea calling him stupid and a moron
Ryan [6:19 A.M.]:  And the father doesn't mind?
Me [6:21 A.M.]:  nope
Ryan [6:22 A.M.]:  *sighs* Then it'd be best.
Ryan [6:22 A.M.]:  Does the idea of them running off and getting married and leaving you be excite you? lol
Me [6:22 A.M.]:  I am so tired of it all. Yes it does
Me [6:22 A.M.]:  Does that make me bad?
Ryan [6:22 A.M.]:  Kinda gives me an extra bounce, hehe. I know, that's so wrong of me.
Ryan [6:22 A.M.]:  NO, lol
Ryan [6:22 A.M.]:  After all that stress, hell no.